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The issue here is in what you’re forgetting. This post is serving as a part two to “Processing Betrayal.” The fact of the matter is people will hurt you. For some people that is their Modus Operandi. You can’t close yourself off or shut yourself out from life. Sometimes the walls you put up to keep people out end up being the same walls that keep you in. At the same time however, there is something to be said about the opposing point of, what are you supposed to do, let people in general, or the same people specifically, continuously run all over you because you keep forgetting what happened?
And then being forgetful is a real concern for some people. If you’ve ever been around someone who was going through or is going through Alzheimer’s or dementia, forgetting things can be unfortunate. Forgiveness can be easy. You don’t hold something against someone. You move on, and you get passed it. Forgiveness is more so for you than it is for the other person. When you forgive someone you free yourself.
Sometimes you may think that by being unforgiving you are in some way getting back at the noun that hurt you. The unfortunate truth is that person, place, or thing, could care less about your unforgiveness. They may have gotten aroused from hurting you. They still get the best sleep of their life possibly because they hurt you. Or in some cases you or what they did to you isn’t even a thought on their mind. At best you’re a blip on their radar if that. Meanwhile because of your unforgiveness, that person, place, or thing is living in your mind rent free.
When you forgive you free yourself to go about your business and become a better person. I don’t think using how something hurt you is an effective motivator. Some people like to be petty, use the wrong doings of others against them, and or try to show someone up. I’m not knocking you if that’s your jam however, that isn’t good fuel. That’s like putting regular in a car that is only supposed to run on premium. It may go for a while, but eventually God forbid, something may happen to it.
When you harbor hate in that way you become a receptacle for hate. That’s not forgiveness. As a Christian when I think of forgiveness a few scriptures come to mind: Jesus telling his disciples to forgive seventy times seven times (Matthew 18:22). Jesus telling his disciples to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39). And Jesus on the cross, asking God to forgive them for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34). These three moments in scripture highlight interesting aspects of forgiveness for me. One, forgiveness is something that can be perfected and therefore must be worked on. And two, you aren’t to stoop to the level of those who hurt you.
Them not knowing what they do, however, is a little more perplexing because in fact they do know what they do. Someone who betrays you know they betrayed you. They may have even premeditated the action. Someone who does you wrong knows that what they did was wrong. Someone who did something or was inappropriate to you knows that what they did was inappropriate. How do they know not when they know?
Biblically speaking the Israelites knew they made a golden calf to worship. They knew they didn’t like Jesus. They knew they picked Barabbas over Jesus. They knew Jesus was hanging on a cross, they could see it with their eyes. They knew. What doesn’t a person know if they know? What I’ve come to realize is, that though they know what they do in terms of their actions, they may not know what they do in terms of what influenced them to behave in that way or the repercussions or ramifications thereof.
Not everyone has foresight, or the ability to see two to three moves down the line. Someone can do something but then not consider or know how to consider what the effect of their cause is. They may be able to conceive that something might happen in response to their behavior, but they may not be able to proficiently speculate on what that something might be, or the consequences thereof. They can consider what they are doing, and they may be able to consider how what they are doing may make you feel, but they can’t fully consider how you may respond, and they may not care.
This can be a difficult revelation because it’s sad. Sometimes the people closest to you, the ones who can hurt you the worst, don’t really know anything about you. Or they only know what they want to know. They know you from the perspective of the box they put you in, in their mind. They only know you based on how they think about you and not necessarily based on who you really are, or they disregard who you really are.
Forgiving and forgetting a stranger can be easy, you may never see them ever again. Poof, done, you’re healed. The concept of forgiving and forgetting gets hard when you’re talking about a loved one. Which brings me back to the original question of this article, how? How do you not necessarily forgive, but rather, how do you forget? The answer is in what exactly you are forgetting. I always thought that you forget the action. But forgetting the action leaves you vulnerable to be hurt by the same action again. And frankly, sometimes you can’t or don’t forget the action.
There is only one thing that you can effectively forget. And this highlights the cruelty of life and the core negative influences of modern civilization. The only way you fruitfully move forward in your forgiveness journey and in life, is by forgiving the wrong that was done to you and by forgetting the noun that did it. You must forget that person, place, or thing. That person that hurt you, forget them. Those people who hurt you, forget them. That place that elicits negative emotions, delete the address, and don’t go back. That thing or those things that can hurt you repeatedly, remove them from your life. Forgive them first, because they may not have known what they were doing, but then after that, forget them. Recount them no longer.
This can be difficult to process because it’s a cold, hard, truth. Whenever something is done to you, you are automatically put in a position to respond. Someone not considering how you may respond to their actions is not your fault. And you don’t have to perpetuate insanity. Maybe in the past you would have forgiven the action and then gone out to eat with that person, or disclosed more of your personal business, or gone to that place or done that thing again. Only for those same nouns to transgress against you again. They do it because they think they can get away with it. And the only reason they think they can get away with it is because you’ve let them get away with it before.
For me, when I was experiencing this it was because I wasn’t living in a way that was reflective of who I really am. When the nouns of my life would constantly hurt me it was because of circumstances, my timidity, and my desire for them not to do that. At a young age I knew I had a strong temperament and personality, and that people may not like me for it. So, I tried being Mr. Nice Guy, and thought that if I committed philosophical suicide then maybe these people would like me. But they didn’t. In fact they would treat me badly and then use my Christianity against me. Because I am a Christian I was supposed to let them treat me any kind of way, it’s what Jesus would do.
Again, the truth is, turning the other cheek in its context means, to walk away. To walk away from someone who does you wrong you literally have to turn the other cheek. Jesus doesn’t want Christians to repay evil with evil. This means that instead of you hurt me I hurt you, it’s you hurt me, I go about my business. As I grew and grow closer in my relationship with Jesus I realize that there is nothing wrong with who I am other than me not being it. And the people who don’t like who I am simply don’t like me. People will get mad when you stop letting them get away with things.
The way you forgive and forget is you forgive the wrongdoing, and you forget the wrong doer. The only reason this can be a challenge is because of the way society is setup, the fact that the wrong doer may be someone close to you who is unwilling to repent, and or because you may not be living in the fullness of who you are or you’re afraid to do so, or you’re afraid to walk away from that person. Though this may not be easy you no longer have an excuse for when a noun mistreats you. When a noun mistreats you, you are automatically put in a position to respond. If your response is to allow that noun to hurt you again, that’s on you. You don’t forgive and forget to get hurt again by the same things. You forgive and forget to move on with your life and find greener pastures.
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