I have been going through a lot over the last couple weeks. Physically, Intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, I have been coming up against various challenges that have been testing my resolve and convictions.
In addition to getting back into routine with regularly creating content, I am also about to go back to school for my second master’s, I am in the process of launching what will be my fourth start up, and I am currently studying for my Project Management Professional Certification.
My plate is becoming gradually more full as the year progresses, I am also processing the civil unrest from the unprecedented murders of men that look like me at the hands of men who do not. All of which is playing out against the back drop of Covid-19, and all the other problems associated with the pandemic.
I’ll be honest I have been swamped and in need of support. At one point I caught myself spiraling out of control because of how overwhelmed I was by what I was experiencing.
Since the pandemic has started I have been imploring you to take advantage of this opportunity. As the foundations of society started to shake I encouraged my readers on how to survive the coronavirus pandemic.
I am thankful that I practice what I preach. I have been diligently sowing into my future and what I want my life to look like within the coming years. So much so that I am concerned about how bountiful the harvest has been in such a short period of time.
In order to expand my capacity to accomplish what I need to, I sought out the comfort of my family. Turns out there was no room for me. There is something wrong with a family that does not support you in your endeavors.
Within the last week I have found myself bewildered, perplexed, flabbergasted, troubled, cast down, and in dismay at the reality check that when this thing called life is done, all we have is ourselves.
This sentiment is completely counter intuitive from what I thought I was taught while growing up. My mother passed away when I was five, so I never really had the chance to know motherly love.
And while statistically, I am just as good if not better off than where I would be if my mother was still living, nothing can co-op motherly love. Unfortunately I have had to find this out the hard way.
Just because you use super glue on something does not mean it is going to stick every time. For most of my life I have been performing for the attention of those I love. It took me a long time before I was able to do a proper appraisal of myself. And before I was able to realize my self worth and my value, I allowed myself to be influenced by the value others placed on me.
As a creative and to my fellow creatives who are reading this, you and I know, that while we want people to praise our created content in some capacity, we cannot lean on that type of affirmation because it is fleeting and misleading.
I feel as though I have been lied to and misled for a greater portion of my life than I care to admit. Just because we are skin folk does not mean that we are kin folk.
Since taking ownership of my mind, and no longer conforming to the culture, I have come to discover my true identity in Christ. A lot of times people try to throw my Christian walk in my face.
While I used to get offended and tried to defend myself on that point, I have come to realize that those same hypocrites that put my faith walk on trial do not have one iota of knowledge on what the good book even says.
I am not in a place in life where I can allow myself to be uprooted by foolishness.
One thing I like about gardening is, that while whatever flower bud is sprouting, whatever kind of tree is flourishing on the surface, the testament to the virility of the plant is in its roots.
I am of no good if I have bad roots. I need to believe in something in this season of life, I need to have something I can hope for. And while on the surface, that may look like an accumulation of material things, when one inspects the roots they can see I am developing an authentic relationship with my father in heaven.
I am looking for the same thing that everyone else is looking for whether they know it or not, Love.
I am looking for people who love me because of me. What I can do does not matter because in the grand scheme of things I am statistically more likely as a human being period, to get things wrong more often than right. Love is acknowledging that fact and saying: I do not care. My flaws should not phase you.
The problem I have been having recently is, that my flaws do not phase my family, my freedom does. The condemnation that I have been feeling, I identify as stemming from a decrepit familial structure.
Right now I am constantly looking for affirmations and confirmations that I am moving in the right direction. This is important to me because every step I have taken recently has been one of faith.
I have no idea what my life is going to look like in the next two months. That’s the case for a lot of us. But because I laid a good foundation back in March 2020, I can confidently say that I am living in faith.
Faith: the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.
I have been praying for the life that I am currently living. Did I expect it to look like this? Absolutely not. But I am not going to let my goals get subverted just because another person cannot see me achieving them…
I SEE ME achieving them.
I perpetuate success. Not because of what I have but because of who I am. I perpetuate peace because of whose I am. When you start walking in your truth, and your truth is larger than the box someone else put you in, when you finally break free people will start getting upset if for no other reason than you broke their box.
Over the last week I have been called out of my name, asked if I was in a cult, and completely disrespected and dismissed. All by people who are supposed to be my family. Blood is NOT thicker than water. At least the stuff I come from is not.
If you cannot see me for me you cannot see me at all.
I am thankful for the people and the family members who have been loving on me in this season. They edify my hope. I get a second wind when I feel appreciated. I can overcome obstacles as long as I know someone is cheering me on.
And I’ll be honest, finding someone who appreciates you is challenging. I have yet to find the person specifically made for me to help me run this race, but that does not mean I can just stop running. Love comes in all different forms.
In due time my wife will provide me with an abundance of romantic love. But until then, I still need love from my family, love from my friends, and love from my God. This is literally how we are supposed to live.
Long story short, I have been astonished by the lack of reciprocal love I have received and have been required to give to people who identify as my family members for the purpose of pacifying them and diminishing myself.
I can no longer live as though I do not know who I am, I know exactly who I am. And I am not in a place where I can continually care for someone else’s grass, when mine is malnourished.
I have literally had to start bracing myself for certain interactions because I am going to protect my convictions at all costs, especially from anyone and everyone with a weaker and less effective resolve than mine, family or otherwise.
I have hated feeling unseen by the masses for the better portion of my life thus far. Now that I have become more resolute in my convictions, It is absolutely fine if no one sees me. God sees me, and because he sees my due diligence in secret, he will surely reward me openly.